Rules for Ultimate Boot Camp


by Leah Sophia Dworkin

1.  be a loser.

2.  don’t be afraid of your asshole.

3.  pay no attention to royalty.

4.  cleanse the galaxy.

5.  make your ex-boyfriends detox by feeding them poison

6. it isn’t all about you.

7. keep your mouth shut and your parts clean.

8. cleanliness is an ancient myth.

9. maintain a cigarette to vegetable ratio of 1:1.

10. lies are only great when everyone else knows they are lies.

11.  Jews do not like to talk about lies, or power.

12. if you are a Jew, do not talk to other Jews about it.

13. after trying to acclimate to the whites you’ll remember how you really feel about boat shoes.

14. find Buddha.

15. either a) meditate or b) pretend to meditate every day.

16. only throw bottles at your baby daddy’s head if you throw the bottle mindfully.

17. it’s like flying a kite, be one with the air

18.  you cannot throw things at your own father’s head anymore, you are too old.

19.  it would be unattractive at your age.

20.  you cannot throw things at your own father’s head anymore, he is dead.

21.  bury him and ask god for forgiveness.

22.  cater the reception because no one likes to go hungry at a funeral.

23.  people like cookies, danishes, and all things that give them diabetes.

24.  people also like tequila.

25.  if you throw up afterwards, consider your guts a sacrifice to the cactus gods.

26.  keep in mind that humans have long determined not to live by gods rules, which are
extraordinarily outdated.

27. keep in mind, partners are myths.

28. no one will ever really know you.

29. if you do not settle down with a person you do not know society will condemn you.

30. old women who have their hair set by other old women will look at you, sigh and say “you are okay” but in retrospect you’ll really wish you had children.

31. children are important because they give adults something to do.

32. that is the purpose of children.

33. you knew this when you were a child.

34. you promised yourself you would remember this when you were an adult but then, well.

35. doctors will take ultrasounds and find meteors in your body.

36. meteors do not have heartbeats

37. meteors take up space in your organs that might make it more difficult for your
insertion partner to fit his parts into your cavities.

38. so, he will leave you.

39. if you don’t leave him first.

40. don’t be scared.

41. this is normal.

42. blood is normal and so is chewing.

43. learning nothing from teachers is also completely normal.

44. it is completely normal to have a hard time finding files on your computer’s hard drive.

45. computers are hard.

46. you’d be better off without them.

47. if you’d never gotten a computer, you would have skills.

48. you actually had skills once, when you were young.

49. once upon a time people were impressed when you took a step.

50. once upon a time people were impressed when you said one syllable words.

51. once upon a time people were impressed when you made impulsive sounds that meant nothing.

52. once upon a time the people who made you literally “oohed” in wonderment when you re-discovered your foot and clapped it with your hand.

Image from Ein wahres Probiertes und Pracktisches geschriebenes Feuerbuch, Franz Helm, 1607 

About the Author:

Leah Sophia Dworkin lives in New York City where she is working on a short story collection, Hey Whitefish. Her work has been published in Hotel, Cosmonauts Avenue, Hobart Pulp, BOMB and elsewhere. She is an assistant editor at Conjunctions. Online she goes by @frumperella.