by Eli S. Evans

One thing I’ve noticed is that when you tell these so-called LIBERALS who are actually FASCIST HYPOCRITES that you happen to support our CONSTITUTIONALLY GUARANTEED right to bear arms, i.e., GUNS, they’ll start talking about gun violence in America and what a large number of people get SHOT AND KILLED here in this country compared to in other countries and that’s why we should BAN ALL GUNS, and then you’ll be like whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA there big guy (or gal), this is what we call BLAMING THE TOOL, i.e., GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE, PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE, point being that if you’re going to start talking about banning guns because people get killed by them, then according to that logic you should probably also be talking about banning CARS, such as the one you LITERALLY drove home from work ten minutes ago, because God only knows how many people cars kill, and while you’re at it, my friend, you should probably also be talking about banning BUTTER KNIVES, because not speaking from personal experience but just from the experience of what’s called THINKING RATIONALLY and not being an INTELLECTUAL SHEEP, it seems to me that if you go at it hard enough and for a long enough time, you can DEFINITELY KILL SOMEONE with a butter knife, point being that I’ve been listening and so far I definitely HAVE NOT heard you talking about banning cars and butter knives. And then, you know how these people are, always thinking they’re one step ahead of the game, they’ll probably come back at you with some kind of this is NOT A VALID COMPARISON because unlike guns, cars and butter knives are tools that also serve ANOTHER PURPOSE, i.e., you can drive home from work in your car, like you literally just pointed out that I literally just did, or, for example, you can SPREAD BUTTER ON YOUR TOAST with your butter knife, WHEREAS with a gun, you can basically do two things, and that’s either SHOOT IT OR NOT SHOOT IT, and if you shoot it, okay, maybe you won’t kill the person you shot it at, but even if you’re not trying to there’s at least HALF A CHANCE you’ll end up doing EXACTLY THAT. And at that they’ll be feeling PRETTY SMUG about themselves, knowing them, until you, being the one who has ACTUALLY BEEN one step ahead of the game ALL ALONG, turn RIGHT BACK AROUND and say yeah well if you’re so SMART, SMART GUY (or gal), have you thought about the fact that with a gun and basically MINIMAL planning and minimal STRATEGIC COMBAT TRAINING you could EASILY come out of work, HIJACK a taxicab, FORCE the taxicab driver to drive you home from work, FORCE him to come upstairs with you, FORCE him to wait for your TOAST TO TOAST and then FORCE him to SPREAD THE BUTTER on it for you, all of which means that if the ONLY REASON you can come up with that it’s not true that if you’re going to talk about banning guns then you should probably also be talking about banning cars and butter knives is that cars and butter knives can drive you home from work and spread butter on your toast unlike guns, then YOUR WHOLE ARGUMENT IS NOT A VALID COMPARISON. At which point, BOOM. End of conversation. Boom. Nothing left to say.

About the Author

Eli S. Evans is always shooting off. You can buy the DELIGHTFUL little book he did last year at the website for Moon Rabbit Books & Ephemera. You cannot buy the chapbook he did last year because it has sold out and/or excess copies have been incinerated. You can find his work all over the internet, along with pretty much everything else in the world except happiness. For that, you’ll have to wait for the metaverse, we think.


Detail from Sheep purple: Toast, 2009 (Flickr).

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